Long story short 😉 the shorts you see below are what made me decide to return to blogging.
But you’re not here for the long story to be short 😉
For probably as long as I can remember, I worried about my weight and body shape. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in my skin and felt like I needed to slim down.
I bought the shorts you see here my junior year of high school. When I bought them, they were way too small. Like, I had to suck it in all the way to get them buttoned, and once they were buttoned, they dug into my waist, making my stomach overhang the edge by a good inch. The hems of the leg holes also dug into my thighs a bit.
These shorts sort of became my weight loss goal. They were supposed to be my size back at the time, and the fact that they didn’t fit made me really want to lose a lot of weight. And I told myself over and over and over for six years that, the day I am able to fit into these shorts will be the day I stop trying to lose weight.
Since then, I’ve lost quite a good bit of weight.
Flash forward to last week, and I’m packing. I pull out these shorts and throw them on for fun — or rather for more motivation, cause I had been feeling really badly about my body lately and was looking for a reason to jump start my weight loss again, something these shorts always did for me.
And what do you know? They fit. Perfectly.
I can’t describe the rush of shock and elation that came over me at that moment. Really, I thought I was bigger than when I first bought these shorts. Really, when I looked in the mirror, I saw no difference between myself in high school and myself now. Really, when I put those shorts on, I 100% expected them to fit tighter than when I first bought them. So the fact that the hems were loose and the waist buttoned perfectly and I could easily move around in them filled me with joy. My body wasn’t so bad after all!!
And that is when the next rush of emotion came. For a couple months straight, I was miserable because I thought I was failing in my attempt to become fitter. But really, I was succeeding incredibly. Two months of unnecessary stress. Two months of ruining everyone’s fun because I was so worried about gaining weight.
I realized that I must have body dysmorphia. There’s no other explanation for my blindness. I was humbled by this realization, and right then and there, I told myself to stop and get help.
It’s pointless wasting your time wallowing in your own self pity and loathing. It’s pointless walking around hating yourself every day. SO WHAT if you’re not the skinniest, most beautiful girl in the world? THAT’S NOT WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT!
Life is about happiness and love and enjoying the time you have on this earth while you still have it. Literally, no matter how beautiful you are now, one day you’re gonna be just as old an unattractive as the rest of us. One day, you’re gonna be just as dead as everyone else, too, and no one’s even gonna remember the fact that you were alive and you were beautiful.
So WHY are we so obsessed with the way we look?? WHY are we worried about beauty and weight when we should be worried about HEALTH and HAPPINESS?
Stepping off my soapbox…
The reason why I stopped blogging is because I felt like I wasn’t good enough. My blog has been running for about 4 or 5 years now, and nothing has come of it. It’s just me adding to the endless sea of content. Nothing separating me out from the rest. Nothing making me different and making people want to come to me instead of others. I felt like a failure — I am a failure! (Now I don’t mind admitting it.) And that’s why I stopped. Because I didn’t know how to continue on as a failure.
I thought that I could lose a bunch of weight and because extra fashionable and then continue blogging again. Because in my mind, that was the difference between me and the successful bloggers. They’re all thin and beautiful and über stylish, and I was not. But once I became that, I would be just as successful as them.
Putting on those shorts last week made me realize how ridiculous that thought was. Of course it doesn’t work like that. The real reason why I’m a failed blogger is because I don’t pay attention to SEO and post at random times and don’t promote myself and don’t use the right tags and take breaks from blogging for months on end. Also, my heart’s not always in it because I don’t feel like I’m good enough to be successful. My lack of confidence shows. Also, I’m clearly not as happy in my pictures as the successful bloggers, and who wants to come to someone miserable for advice?? If I enjoyed myself more while doing this instead of always being so serious, maybe people would like me!
Finally, the biggest reason why I’m a failed blogger is because I’m not doing it for the right reasons.
When I first started my blog, I posted because I loved fashion and style and wanted to share it with the world. It then turned into this lust for one day becoming an influencer that doesn’t have a 9-5 job and can just travel the world and model clothes and live happy and carefree.
Fame became my reason for blogging, and really, anything that’s done for fame instantly fails.
The successful bloggers of the world are successful mainly because they are in it for the right reasons. They want to change the world, to help the world become better and healthier. They want to make people grow and inspire others to be the best versions of themselves. Fame came to them by chance, because their message was so good that it deserved the spotlight. Fame was never the goal, though. Helping people was.
That’s where I need to change. At first, I thought I should just quit blogging altogether — apologize to everyone for being so greedy and never post again. But that would be wasting my talent. I’m a born writer, and it’s always been in my heart to change the world. If I quit blogging, I would be throwing away the only gift I was given.
So I decided to start blogging again, this time with a clear mission. I am going to continue to post style, beauty, and health related things, but they’re going to be good for the soul. They’re gonna (hopefully) help make anyone who reads them a better person.
I know this post is long, but I hope you read it and learned a little something. Moral of it is that we should all be striving to be better humans, not striving to be more attractive.
Have a lovely Wednesday ❤