That’s how I’ve felt since September, except back then, the feeling was slightly less and thus able to be verbalized. So, I wrote about it, thinking I’d get better, but ever since, things have simply spiraled until becoming absolute, pure, incoherent gibberish.
I reiterate because I need to get this feeling out. Honestly, I’ve never really wanted to melt down and randomly scream, but these past six months have just been….whew. And every day, all I want is to scream, but I’m a stubborn S.O.B. who bottles everything up, refusing to explode no matter how high the pressure builds. So, I haven’t 😊
But I saw a little post the other day about how people can’t heal unless their emotions run their full course, and I’ve been sitting on it since, debating whether to let myself feel so I can heal. (Haha, what a notion… Actually feeling…) And I decided that it might be nice to be me again. So, I’m going to do that, starting with this post.
You may have noticed that I quieted a bit, and that was actually a conscious decision I made in December—to shut up. Being candid, I saw no value in me whatsoever and wondered why in the world I was even opening my mouth / posting / writing / socializing / etc. So, I tried to stop. Why annoy the world and take up space when no one actually wants me to?
I’ve truly never felt more pathetic, and it probably stemmed from the issues I was having at work. To fill you in while also keeping it brief (because it’s a long, wild story):
- I left a crappy role with a heinous workload, unfair treatment, and disturbingly long hours for my apparent dream job (copywriting/web design)
- I never talked about it online because I’m superstitious, and it seemed too good to be true
- It was 😊 One month in, they fired my boss with no warning and left me—the new hire/only person on the team—to clean up their mess, absorb my boss’ work, and continue as if nothing ever happened. Oh, and to do it all without guidance 😊
- As shocked, distraught, and irritated as I was, I dealt with it, thinking, “Hm. Maybe if I handle this with positivity and grace, I’ll leave a good impression that’ll take me places.”
- The universe promptly responded with a temporary boss possessed by Satan. No joke, the Devil does not wear Prada; she wears stained, cotton hoodies and polyester joggers, and she sits behind a computer in her Houston basement making girls half her age cry. (Yes, you read that right 😊)
- Why do they cry? Incessant berating 😊 Literally, nothing but it for weeks until it finally got so bad, I had to tell HR. (I actually wasn’t going to say anything, but my family forced me, lol.)
- Well, HR was appalled by everything she said, and the “solution” was to expedite me out of the role into a different position similar to my old one. That’s obviously a whole other ethical dilemma, but I gladly accepted because: different hours, slightly different work, and MUCH better treatment. I literally would’ve chopped my head off and sold my soul to get out, and I would’ve quit if HR did nothing. (Why I didn’t quit, anyway, is a whole other story concerning uncertain times and the need for $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.) (PS, I’ll never talk about work ever again b/c I’m officially traumatized 😊)
Brief side note, though: I’m not the HR type. At all. I’ve been through some things at work, including backstabbing coworkers, blatant sexism, uncomfortably sexual remarks, and many other icky, unprofessional things that should never happen, and not once did I report any of it. When those things occur to others, I report right away, but me? I don’t know. I guess I just don’t care. Or maybe I don’t want that kind of attention? Or I don’t want to be known as the tattletale? Or maybe all of the above? I really don’t know, but the fact that I was convinced to report this woman says a lot.
(And the fact that I left our final meeting crying in shame also says a lot, but my pride wants to leave that out 🙂 Wishing I could make this super tiny so no one can see it. Pride is an evil thing 🙂 Actually wait, I sort of figured it out 🙂 )
Back to the main topic: All the negativity she was pumping into my head trickled into my personal life and made me question everything. Hello, existential crisis 😊 Why am I here? Why do I bother? No one even cares, anyway. There’s only a handful of people who like me—maybe two handfuls if I stretch the definition of “like” to “tolerate”—and if no one’s watching, listening, hearing, or caring, what’s the point? Why? Why waste my breath? My breath is worthless, so why pollute the world with it?
Yes, happy ray of sunshine Leah both was and is covered by clouds, and I’ve been trying to kick up some wind to blow them away. But I haven’t succeeded. However, maybe a month ago, I saw another post—possibly a quote, I honestly can’t remember—about how you should never stop talking just because you think no one’s listening, for you never know who’s secretly paying attention and needing your words. And that started a bit of a breeze that slightly cleared my skies, but I’m still trying to shake the rest of the gray away to find the courage to start dumping into the abyss again. This post may finally be just that, but I’m honestly only doing it because I have to. So whether that counts, you decide 😊
Regarding why I have to post: I’m actually leaving Pittsburgh for the remainder of the year, and I’m setting off next Saturday. I can’t believe it’s already here, and yes, the decision to go was partially from all this hoopla. I’ll be posting more details soon, but I wanted to mention it now so everyone isn’t caught off guard when I finally do get around to discussing it. (Although, I’m sure this isn’t much better, lol. Sorry about that. I just didn’t have the heart to update.)
Okay, well, that’s it, and I do feel slightly better. Regardless of whether you actually read all this, I appreciate you, and thanks for letting me babble. Now, enjoy some random photos from the last two months, since I’ve been silent.
Until next time ❤
Some other pictures from that trip (not that they’re exciting):
New topic: Random outfits, since this is technically supposed to be a style blog.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH MY HAIR IN THE NEXT PHOTO…
POV: Me coming to visit 🙂
I also started a different skincare routine and am loving it. I’ll post about it in the future, but I wanted to share a quick pic now:
Hormonal acne gone. It’s a miracle.
Aside from that, I’ve been destressing by playing around with makeup and upgraded to some new foundations that I’m IN LOVE WITH (and will also post about soon, too). Here are some sneak peeks in the meantime:
Wow, I wish I could make these pictures smaller lol. I hate looking at myself so large XD
And while we’re on the topic of new products, I need to share my latest hair find: Verb Ghost Oil.
I have incredibly fine hair and have struggled with static, frizz, and tangles my whole life, but this stuff is gold. Excuse the awful photo and my paint-splattered floor, but it saved my life. It tames everything, and it’s the most lightweight, easy-to-use hair product I’ve ever tried. You can apply it wet or dry, and short hair only takes a few drops. (My length is about a full pump.) But just dispense some in your hands, rub ’em together, and work it all throughout, and you’ll practically have a new head 🙂 Oh, and the price is unbeatable compared to many other products on the market. ($18 per bottle, USD.)
Here is my hair with it one day:
Now for some random pictures I just feel like sharing:
But mostly I’ve just been writing my book, and it’s literally almost done, which I can’t believe. I’ve been putting so much effort into these last rounds of editing, and it’s actually paying off. I read through stuff at the beginning of it the other day while looking for a detail I couldn’t remember, and I FINALLY didn’t find a single typo or thing I wanted to change. So, I think it’ll legitimately be done soon.
However, I just prefaced with all that because I actually wanted to share something silly about “writer me.” (Cringing at that term, ew.) As some of you know, I have terrible eyesight and write with glasses most of the time, but looking at screens all day (between my book and work) is very unhealthy. So, I invested in blue light glasses to help prevent damage. However, I don’t have contacts to replace my regular glasses, which means…
I’ve been wearing two pairs of glasses every day like a psycho. Idk why I felt the urge to share that now, but I did. And I hope you think of me fondly like this going forward 🙂
Also, in the process of packing, I’ve found some real gems I had tucked away and have been so emotional about. Maybe it’s because Mama Earth just visited, but the two best ones are by far my H&M badge/lanyard:
And the stack of crappy comics I used to whip up last-minute for the paper when the comic artist would fail to deliver:
And finally, DAISY TURNS 11 TOMORROW 😦 😦 😦 😦
Like, I’m sorry, where did our whole lives go???? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE????? I WAS JUST 14 AND WE JUST BOUGHT YOU.
The first animal ever that I wasn’t horribly allergic to ❤ She was our destiny, and I love her so much ❤ I hope she lives 11 more years, and then 11 more after that. And then 11 more. And then keeps living until we can both pass away together when I’m old.
That’s all for the pics, though. Thanks for having a look, and have a lovely day 🙂 ❤